Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant please ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, and telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9. if you have short term memory loss, press 9. if you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up as all our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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