1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
7. Finish all your sentences with "... in accordance with the prophecy."
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their after-work outing because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! This is the third time this week!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ...
20. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
Insanity Phase II
1. Leave outdoor Christmas decorations up all year.
2. If you have to give blood, at least make a big show of it.NOTE: I'm DYYYYYING!
3. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations.
4. Go up the down escalator.
5. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
6. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
7. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.NOTE: Remember to add scary music.
8. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
9. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
10. Honk and wave to strangers.
11. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
12. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
13. Repeat the following during a conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?""What?""Never mind, it's gone now."
14. When on an elevator, greet everyone who gets on with a warm handshake, and ask them to call you "Admiral."
15. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
16. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
17. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
18. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.NOTE: Or my OliOli Olson Freeo.
19. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
20. Wear a LOT of cologne.
21. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
22. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
23. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
24. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
25.If too much ice comes out of the McDonald's dispenser, yell "I hit the jackpot!"
26. After "Sex:" on an application put Yes.
27. When ordering from an Asian girl at McDonalds with poor English, order "One happy meal, extra happy."
28. Whenever you see a broom... yell "honey, your mom is here..."
29. Email this to your friends, but label it "I'm sending you this document to get your advice."
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